03 November 2008

Eating Disorder Confession:

Why I Hate Halloween

I am the first to raise my hand and admit that I am a compulsive eater. I have a sweet tooth. I have several of them! I eat when I am bored, when it tastes delicious and when I am feeling down. I've had alot of down times, too (depression, certain events in my life). I also eat to cover up the guilt of eating. That's a nice viscious circle! This pretty much sums it up my life's relationship with food. Dr. Phil knows all about my kind. I really should check out one of his books.

When I became an adult on my own I learned who I was and how my brain ticked. I learned not to keep desserts in my home and not to buy them in the first place while food shopping. This works pretty good for me.

Except for Halloween... for too many years I would buy candy for the trick-or-treaters and end up eating a few bags worth before the holiday hit. Sometimes I ate all of it and had to go out and buy more. My weakness is any chocolate/peanut combination, especially Reeses and Butterfingers.

One year I bought stuff I didn't like. Hubby wasn't too happy because now we were the house that gave out stuff no one wanted. Ends up we only had a few kids that year. Now we had all this candy we couldn't eat. A little voice inside me was saying not to waste food and irrationally rationed it was better to eat it than throw it out. The voice reminded me of all the starving kids in China. But I wasn't going to ship it to China and I wasn't going to eat it either. So out it went.

This year I bought some non-chocolate candies that the kids DO like and handed out most of it. The rest went to my daughter's school - they are shipping candy to the troops. But every time I walk into the kitchen I sneak something from my daughter's cache- Snickers, Butterfingers, Reeces, peanut M&M's. I think I stole about 20 pieces today. I am a bad mother who steals from her child. She will notice and I will promise to buy her replacements the next time we are at the store.

I have a relationship with food that is psychologically unhealthy. It causes me grief. It's one less burden that I want to carry on my shoulders.

Just in case you are wondering... I am not "fat" and prefer to describe myself as "out of shape." My weight is within the "average" range for BMI. If I lose 15 pounds I will be at the midpoint which I would like to do- that's what I weighed for most of my 20's and 30's. I weighed slightly less than midpoint the day after my daughter was born. So midpoint is NOT an unrealistic goal.

So that's my confession. Join in and let me know about your misdeads with Halloween candy.

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